Voldemorts Evil Plans
by Queen of the Scoubies
Summary: Who is the mastermind of evil plans? You guessed it, not Voldemort! There is a theory that deep within Voldemorts notsosecret hideout is a room labelled 'The room where Voldemorts Evil Plans are tested'...is this true? Plz R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Voldemort was smirking, he knew this plan would work, it just had to. He was the evil mastermind of evil plans; he had evil plans coming out of his ears. It was quite painful, having these scrolls push themselves out of your ears, supposedly like childbirth. But he would never know or experience that, he was a man all the way, despite that he had never actually gone all the way.

Anyway, he was smirking because he had this new evil plan to kill Harry Potter, the boy who-would-never-die. So he had this scroll and was twirling it through his fingers, evil dark lordness seeping out of him. It didn't affect me though; I wasn't evil like the rest of those doofuses.

There was Lucius and his 'godly' son Draco sitting at the back of the mini auditorium, politely staring ahead. In the first row was Wormtail; the suckey-little-rat-boy-who-owed-his-life-to-Harry-Potter, sucking his thumb obsessively. Bella and Narcissa were sitting in front of Lucius, watching Wormtail in distaste as the rest, including me hung around the corners of the room.

"Hem Hem!" Voldemort 'cleared' his throat capturing the attention of anyone not paying attention, so really that was everyone. "I have a plan. A plan that will reinvigorate Harry Potter!" he exclaimed as everyone cheered hopelessly. You see, you had to cheer or Voldemort would crucio till you did; so you cheered.

"Um, you're Dark Lordness?" I asked as everyone quit cheering, "Did you know that reinvigorate means to bring back to life? And you haven't killed potter yet to bring him back to life?

"Who dares speak to the Darkest of all Dark Lords like that!" he bellowed and everyone pointed their fingers at me accusingly.

"T'was I; a former follower of he-who-does-not-die!" I bravely spoke under his glare after he followed the finger pointers. Are they seriously aware how many faeries that they are tripping over?

"Oh okay, obviously my evil planning has gone one step ahead and is planning to bring him back to life, so I can kill him again!" he replied surveying all of us Death Eaters.

"Whoo! Go Voldie! You're the Dark Lord! You rule man!" the Death Eaters cheered stupidly clapping and screaming as if he was important.

"So we will just make my magnificent plan work in reverse. I need someone to practice on…" he continued encouraged by the senseless cheering, and again the faeries were unfairly tripped, but the fingers weren't pointed my way, but towards, could it Draco?

"Hey what did I do?" he whined as he noticed the fingers and the looming shadow of Voldemort. "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" he screamed.

"Well for starters you shouldn't have eaten all chocolate, secondly…." Lucius started a smile playing on his lips.

"SHUT UP YOU CRAZY UP YOU OLD MOTHERFUCKER!" Draco screamed at his father.

"…don't you dare talk to me like that young man!" Lucius replied snatching out his wand.

"I'LL TALK TO YOU HOWEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO YOU FUCKEN ARSEHOLE! IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKEN FAULT THAT I'M FUCKEN HERE!" Draco continued to scream at his father.

"All righty minions, less chatter, more whatever you do when we are not meeting."

"Hey Lucius, game of chess?" yelled Macnair as he grinned hopefully.

"Sure thing, just as I've done this." Lucius replied and backhanded his son, "you will learn to respect your superiors…" and walked off with Macnair. I knew that they weren't going to play chess, but no body else did.

"Come young Draco…the plan awaits!" Voldemort started up as if nothing had changed while imperiusing Draco to walk ahead of him.

"Why couldn't it be her? You know that chick over there? The annoying newbie, that interrupted you? She's a traitor! She came from the Order, the EVIL order, with no brains; she's probably a double-agent! Why ME?" he complained as he unwillingly made his way to the door labelled, 'The room that Voldemort's evil plans are tested'.

I snickered, this was going to be funny, upon my acceptance as a Death-Eater with out the tattoo, I didn't like the thought of being tattooed like cattle, Voldemort interviewed me. I was meant to be a double agent of sorts, working for him to know what the order was doing. Nutty really, because I really am on the good side, I love Harry Potter, he is my idol, as if I would follow that idiot blindly! Anyways, the order know that I am here and yeah. I'm kind of a double agent for both of the sides, awesome job I suppose.

**Hello, yes another Voldemort fic! REVIEW if you want more!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	2. Chapter 2

It was another day at death-eaters headquarters and Voldemort had called another damned meeting, much to my disgust. I totally don't want to hear his shit again…'I have a plan'…a plan that will never work! He is the almighty lord of the bullshittiest, worst plans that I have ever had to endure listening to. Dumbledore help me, he has cleared his throat, it's about to begin!

"Today my dear minions, we celebrate!" Voldemort started a grin leering on his genetically wrong face, "Draco is DEAD!"

"Noooooo! My only son! My beloved Draco!" wept Narcissa as Lucius fell into a ball crying.

"Morning all, Father, mother, I didn't know you felt that way about me!" Draco exclaimed as he strolled casually into the room and chose a seat far away from the podium.

"WHAT! Why aren't you dead?" Voldemort screamed pointing at Draco as he sat slumped in his chair.

"You lied biatch!" Lucius screamed and pointed at Voldemort almost randomly and immediately ducked behind the chairs.

"Who said that? Do you want to die so soon?" Voldemort continued smiling that twisted smile of his and amazingly there was no finger pointing. So I started pointing.

"IT WAS LUCIUS, MY ALMIGHTY LORD OF DARKNESS!" I shouted and pointed at the cowering Lucius.

"DIE BITCH DIE!" Voldemort death screamed and attacked Lucius with the crucio curse, "I DON'T LIE!"

"I'm sorry Voldemort, my almighty Dark Lord who is incredibly sexy and would make the best wife!" Lucius apologised through the curse.

"Um, Lucius, um, did you know that Voldemort's actually a dude, not a dudette?" I asked as Voldemort's face turned an interesting shad of beetroot red.

"I AM A MAN, BIATCH!" Voldemort bellowed before running out of the auditorium and slamming the door on his way. "I AM A MAN!"

"See what you did Lucius!" I asked accusingly, "You hurt his feelings! Go apologise!" I ordered ruthlessly and pointed forcefully at the door, "NOW!"

"Fine, but I'm not if he doesn't!" Lucius grumbled as he stomped out, following Voldemort, "OH DEAR VOLDIE!"

"I hate you, you fucken arsehole!" we heard Voldemort scream through the door, followed by an almighty bang.

Five minutes later a slug with blonde hair slimed through the door, causing maniacal laughter, before Macnair silenced them with the thudding of his axe. "Told ya he doesn't like being called Voldie."

"Told ya he doesn't like being called Voldie." Lucius mocked as Narcissa got her wand out to change him back.

"Should I, or shouldn't I?" she mused, "Hmmm, such a hard decision."

"Narcissa, if you don't change me back this instant, I'm going….." Lucius threatened as Narcissa raised an eyebrow elegantly, "I'm going to never pleasure you the way that no other can!"

"…" instantly Narcissa changed Lucius back into his human form and smirked, "Come now, you know what I want."

Grinning Lucius followed his wife out of the auditorium, while mouthing to Macnair, 'I'm Sorry!' and made an apologetic face, which really just made him look constipated.

So now Narcissa and Lucius were in their room supposedly making sweet love, I was left with their godly son, Draco. Voldemort was off sulking somewhere, most likely with his stuffed Dora the Explorer doll. Macnair was playing chess on his own, running from seat to seat instead of turning the board around, while Bella was inspecting her pristine nails. She was really quite fussy about them, god help anyone that breaks one of them. Draco was sitting next to me, silently, so me being me, made donkey noises!

**Hello, please review this time readers, I really do love REVIEWS! If you like this fic, go read misses-charlie-weasly's and mine new fic as Queens of the Cheesey Cookies, 101 Ways to Annoy Voldie and Snape!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


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